February 2022 Monthly Review

thorns

• already feeling triggered by the ways my ERE Triad handles scheduling and who does labor — working to become less attached to this
• rejection dysphoria at some genuinely healthy feedback I got on a grant — working to sit with it and not feel it as personally
• struggling to stay unattached with family, adjusting the amount of effort I put in and expectations I have
• overcommitted to activist work and need to say no a bit more to get some evening rest back

roses

• Foundations of Somatic Abolition Training with Resmaa Menakem was so heart-cracking-open that I signed up for longer 6 month Reparative Communal Consultations with him and Carlin Quinn
• passed my comprehensive exams!
• turned in Green Fund application (and worked with my perfectionism to turn it in when it was “good enough”)
• playing VR games with friends
• playing RPGs with friends
• dancing at Elysium with Scarlett
• rollerskating at the Underground disco on the Long Center lawn
• Go karts with Pai
• talks with Dr. Irizarry and learning from her
• dissertation defenses for Ti’Era and Evelyn
• Dreaming Climate Consciousness climate sci fi group
• getting meringues with Marc
• collaborations with Evelyn
• We are the Culture Makers coaching group
• STEMprov group and coteaching with Scarlett

buds

• beach trip and travel in rest of year
• six flags trip
• Marc is surprising me with something this weekend
• doing STEMprov for UT
• seeing live theater again

themes from last month from journals and morning pages

• learning about trust and naming why I trust some people and not others
• nervousness about the winter storm processing last year’s trauma around that
• surrender and flow, embracing uncertainty
• learning body-based time and laziness
• dancing in the mornings
• worrying about people taking credit for my projects and leaving me out of them (Speak No More, Stories of Ancient Resilience)
• “what’s the worst that could happen?” as a balm
• working on asking for help more from others rather than always positioning myself as a “helper”
• discerning between striving and healthy desire
• allowing myself frivolity but retaining my integrity in inner child work while also in recovery
• experimenting and playing with routine to match my body’s time
• feeling sad that relationships with my family need me to learn some more unattachment and lowering expectations
• naming my strengths (improving things and innovative ideas) and my weaknesses (doing the same thing over and over, getting details right)
• pleasure is fuel not a reward
• trashing vs. critique
• what do I gain by staying stuck?
• examining the shoulds of being nice, being of service, perfectionism, staying small
• technical problems vs. adaptive challenges
• every moment is an opportunity to practice these embodied practices
• treat stuff I can’t control like the weather, become unattached while remaining present
• the role of urgency and control in white supremacy culture
• my job is to be, not to do
• there is data and intelligence in the body and the emotions, not just the cognitive mind
• interrogating the “is this serving me” mantra and making it less about a “chopping block” and more about emotions and where my energy goes
• the distraction provided by loving others, keeping busy rather than sitting still and loving myself
• already worthy of love, don’t need to strive for worthiness
• solutions to problems that leave people behind (e.g. climate change, covid) are eugenics
• accepting that the world will change irreversibly and that we must change with it
• I want to put my work out there more and post more about stuff that matters to me (while resisting posting the instagrammable things I “should” post)
• building shame resilience by speaking more about my shadow parts
• examining my shame triggers in what stops me from slowing down and resting
• my expectations of others are often based on this same control that people should be a certain way (rather than allowing them to be in touch with their bodies)
• we cannot control other people’s perceptions (repeat, repeat, repeat)
• working on my perfectionism by publishing then polishing (80% is good enough!)
• when dealing with toxic work culture, resource yourself and make it better for those that come after you
• how often we dismiss the joy in the ordinary in favor of what we think we should seek after (instagrammable moments)
• what returning to our bodies allows, bringing us back to the present, slowing down our unconscious biases, connecting to one another, etc.
• the body as a way of knowing, not as an instrument
• scattered and foggy with war going on and vulnerability hangover from defending my comps
• doing things out of order and being playful to see how that shakes things up
• being hard on myself when I don’t reach my daily writing goals but then realizing all of this stress is self-imposed!
• overbooking my time and not having enough recharge shouldless time (had to drop a dance class, back out of an UWSA subcommittee)
• trying to multitask too much — 4 pomo on p1 and 2 pomo on a second project with 2 pomo reading is maybe max?
• deepening relationship with Marc and speaking to what we want
• power of sensory deprivation tank on my anxiety
• adding more space into my day, even during “deep work” time
• being annoyed by the professionalism performance of academia
• triaging my reading, building more reading for work habits
• trying and failing to do biphasic sleep
• learning about cheap flights
• traveling more often to lower the pressure and learn what I like
• inventorying my give-a-fucks budget
• choosing one slice for my dissertation other than all of the things, getting excited about exploring sensemaking
• enjoying being around people on campus for the first time in two years
• investigating the role of Autism and Alexithymia in my life
• the joy and spontaneity of checking out the underground roller disco solo

media consumed in the last month

films

• Violet Evergarden: Eternity and the Auto Memory Doll
• Don’t Look Up
• Fantastic Planet
• Strip Down Rise Up

tv

• Nichijou: My Ordinary Life (first two episodes)
• Arcane
• Princess Jellyfish
• Pui Pui Molcar

books

• The Encyclopedia of Early Earth
• How the World Sees You: Discover Your Highest Value Through the Science of Fascination
• Take More Vacations: How to Search Better, Book Cheaper, and Travel the World
• Monstress Vol 1–5
• Megahex
• Content Rules: How to Create Killer Blogs, Podcasts, Videos, eBooks, Webinars (and More) That Engage Customers and Ignite Your Business
• Ignore Everybody: and 39 Other Keys to Creativity
• Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience
• Embodied Inquiry: Research Methods
• Cunt: A Declaration of Independence
• The Rise: Creativity, the Gift of Failure, and the Search for Mastery
• How to Be Happy
• Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

music

• BLACKSTARKIDS
• Basia Bulat
• Mitski
• 4s4ski
• Big Thief

board games/rpgs

• The Between

video games

• Walkabout Mini Golf VR
• Ragnarock VR

MOOCS/youtube

• Experimental Watercolor Techniques for Beginners
• Do Stuff Tell People
• Epic Gardening
• Dirty School of Skate
• Being Lazy and Slowing Down