June 2022 in Review

UNFORTUNATELY

• Expressing myself more authentically on social media comes with fear about likability cropping up. Conservative folx that I grew up in South Carolina with put “sad face” reactions on my rollerskate pole dance. In an ideal world, I would just let it ride and not let it affect me, but I unfriended them. We don’t have a relationship, and they don’t get unfettered access to me. I want to stay curious about how to stay in relationship with people while also not letting them drain my energy. At the same time, this video also brought me closer to several people it resonated with, so I must be doing something right.
• Getting more in touch with my intuition. That is good overall, but it has made me realize that I have some friendships that drain me that I need to spend less time with. I also realized that I should have put a boundary down for staying with Marc’s parents. I felt icky about it before visiting them, and then it really sucked to be up there for a week with no privacy and having to be yelled at by his stepmom. No good. I promise myself I will trust my intuition on those things more. My next challenge is discerning between the “don’t wannas”, which means I might need to push myself to do the thing anyway (especially social stuff or getting out of the house) and my inner voice protecting my boundaries. Still working on it!
• I turned in the 5-pager revision of my dissertation to my committee. I did really appreciate the opportunity to zoom out and frame it in a larger theory (circuit of culture) and to think more deeply about the protocol questions. But I also feel like turning that in during the summer when my committee is busy has turned it into a long “maybe” full of uncertainty. I also felt like my advisor was not super clear with me about all of the “hidden curriculum” behind what a dissertation proposal should be, which did not set me up well. But the things I can control, and the lesson I will try to learn is to show rough drafts to people earlier to get their gut checks.
• I also have two manuscripts that are out for review, and it feels like I keep checking my email hoping for some good news, or at least some news. This is a good reminder of needing to get back into my creative projects, like STEMprov, that can give more immediate impact and rewards while also participating in the slog of academia.

FORTUNATELY

• I’ve been focusing more on whimsy and making sure I do my artist dates this month. I’ve been going to movies with Alamo movie pass and watching movies on the Criterion channel off the Sight & Sound list. I’ve also been going rollerskating and dancing. I want to make sure I continue to interweave cup-filling activities in my day.
• June has been a month of really trying to slow down and try to bring pleasure and ease back into my work. I burned myself out trying to get my dissertation proposal done, and the result was more whimper than a bang. I’m working to restructure in ways that mean that I enjoy the process, not just sacrifice my well-being for the product.
• Connecting with other amazing folx at Shannon’s party. Stepping outside to her beautiful backyard and breathing in the environment and thinking “this is what I’ve always wanted.”
• I’ve been making more of an effort to have standing social dates with people, mostly co-working. It’s been a really nice way to maintain important relationships without the stress of having to do lots of planning. I’ve also made new friends through Erica Nix’s dance community, and I really like the people I’ve met there. I reconnected with the ATX Science Communicators group during their visit to the artist’s talk at Gray DUCK gallery, and I am excited about getting more involved in that community. I’m giving their July happy hour on how the arts. I also went to the first Nerd Nite since lockdown, and it was nice to see a few familiar faces in their new location. I also went to Theresa’s birthday and met a lot of cool people. At Heidi’s housewarming, it was nice to reconnect with improv folx that I hadn’t seen in a while.

• Pai encouraged me to stand with her under Niagara Falls, and I’m glad she encouraged me. I haven’t felt that kind of sheer delight in a while, and I could feel myself coming back alive from all of the burnout.

• I got my first large tattoo in consultation with an artist. I’ve been a fan of Manta Rae’s work for a really long time, and I’m super happy with my new trilobite tattoo.

• Even though I got overheated and wore really inappropriate but very sexy boots to the Dyke March, it was very healing to be on the march with a bunch of my gays. I forgot how healing that feeling of solidarity and not being alone in feeling so fucking angry at the Supreme Court Decision.
• Marc surprised me for my birthday by bringing me to Dig World, which meant we got to drive bulldozers around. It was a blast. He and I have been reconnecting and rekindling things with both of us having more energy and coming out of pandemic depression malaise. I’m really enjoying growing closer to him. We are coming up on five years, and this is the longest I’ve been with anyone. I’m excited about what this next chapter will bring.
• Extra money from the side job with Correlation One is really helping with money anxiety, and the job does not drain me. It’s been nice.
• I’ve been trying to make my nighttime ritual way more lush, and I’ve been using Perle Noire’s Healing Through Seduction workshops as rituals to get back into self-love and slow down. I think it’s been a good change, but I think it is one of those things (like dancing) that I’ll see results little over time rather than grand epiphanies.
• I got to do improv with the El Ranchito campers. It has been a long time since I taught young people improv, and I probably should have brought a co-teacher for such a large group. But the campers were delightful, and it really reminded me that I need to have a creative outlet that helps me see the results of my work (that academia doesn’t really give me).

LOOKING AHEAD

• I’ll be focusing on what offerings STEMprov is going to turn into. I’d like to do workshops as “healing science with the arts.” I’m really excited to put some more time and energy into creative stuff that matters to me. I think that might help with burnout and with having something that is not my Ph.D. I have a lot of fear around expressing myself more authentically in this way and not playing small. I want to remain curious about those things and challenge myself.
• I’ll be traveling to Detroit for a couple of conferences and then to Vancouver for the Theatre for Living (Climate Change/ Theatre of the Oppressed) training. Those will both be intense, but it will be nice to have a change of pace for the end of the summer.
• I’m going to continue prioritizing ease and pleasure this month as well. I don’t want things to feel like they did in May. I was so anxious that I wasn’t hungry. I had lost my creativity, and I was a big mess. I don’t want that again. Let’s see what slowing down feels like in my body.

media from the last month

film

• Ali: Fear Eats the Soul
• Imitation of Life
• The Philadelphia Story
• Crimes of the Future
• The Earrings of Madame de…
• After Blue

tv

• The Expanse

theater

• Undark: a Radioactive Puppet Play
• American Brass

books

• Reel to Real: Race, Sex, and Class at the Movies
• Self-Care for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: Honor Your Emotions, Nurture Your Self, and Live with Confidence
• Wild Seed
• The Lathe of Heaven
• The Unbroken
• Healing the Child Within: Discovery and Recovery for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families
• The Dance of Anger: A Woman’s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships
• Emergent Strategy: Shaping Change, Changing Worlds
• Generation Dread: Finding Purpose in an Age of Climate Crisis
• How to Do the Work: Recognize Your Patterns, Heal from Your Past, and Create Your Self
• The Art of Frugal Hedonism: A Guide to Spending Less While Enjoying Everything More
• The Four Pivots: Reimagining Justice, Reimagining Ourselves

music

• Big Thief
• billy woods
• ROSALIA

board games/rpgs

• The Between
• The Expanse

video games

• Mini Metro

courses

• Performance Studies
• Healing Through Seduction